I learned at 8 years old that food, especially my favorite foods, made me happy. It took away my loneliness, boredom, anxiety, stress, depression, anger, and resentment… I also used it to procrastinate or celebrate. I was very creative in coming up with excuses to overeat when I binged.
I refused to let myself think about the ramifications of what I was doing to my body and my health.
As I got older, I kept getting heavier and heavier, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was totally addicted and obsessed with binge eating these trigger foods.
I was helpless, hopeless, and had zero self-esteem and self-confidence.
I couldn’t trust myself around food. To add to the mix, all of my weight gain led to pain in my knees, back, and feet. Walking up a flight of stairs totally winded me. I couldn’t walk for very long without being in a lot of pain. I couldn’t tie my own shoes. I was ashamed of who and what I’d become.
Over the years from time to time I’d diet and lose weight. However, the time always came when I ‘d convince myself that I could handle my favorite foods in moderation. You can probably guess where that landed me.
Yes, indeed. I gained all the weight I had lost plus more.
Eventually, I got up to 270 lbs. I was morbidly obese. Warnings from my doctor would only help temporarily. Before I knew it, I had become diabetic. In 2016, I was hospitalized with acute pancreatitis. I was unconscious in ICU for 102 days. I am told that I nearly died twice. Both times my husband and children had to say goodbye to me. The doctors told my family that I had a 1% chance of survival. My husband started planning my funeral.
But very slowly, I fought my way back. It was truly a miracle. It was a very slow and painful recovery - I came home finally after being in the hospital for almost 11 months. During my hospitalization, I lost over 100 lbs. However, I’m a food addict, so that didn’t cure me of my compulsive overeating trigger foods and behaviors. By the end of 2017, I’d gained 60 lbs.
I was desperate. I was afraid I was going to gain all my weight back, end up in the hospital again and this time I might not come back. But I couldn't help myself.
Over time, I found a program that taught me about the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of my disease. I learned coping tools of how to deal with my disease and the stressors of life. Yes, compulsive overeating, just as any addiction, is a disease.
As of this writing, I’ve lost about 70 lbs. I am no longer diabetic. My last A1C was 4.6!
I’ve gained self-esteem and confidence. Most importantly, I started liking myself.
